I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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