im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
