Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
