Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
