Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
