The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I CAN MOONWALK!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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