haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
