i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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