My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
