FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
