I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
