Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
