how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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