just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
