I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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