Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
