I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
