dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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