I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
