things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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