oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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