I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
