You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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