I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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