im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
