Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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