On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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