i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
