So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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