Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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