i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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