do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
