hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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