And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
