I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
