Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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