Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize