You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
