I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
