I will die if light touches me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Help. Why am I so naked?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
