I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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