I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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