so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
