He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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