I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
