The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
