I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
