Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
