I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
