apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
