I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
