So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
