Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
