haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
