I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
