I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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