My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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