Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
