I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
