I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
