Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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