I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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