Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
