So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
false alarm, still single
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