I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
