I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
