Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
